if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
