If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
