i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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