Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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