the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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