my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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