last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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