im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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