News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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