If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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