Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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