Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
