So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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