He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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