I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
