He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Randomize