oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
