I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
