I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
