My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Randomize
