Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
