My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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