Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
