Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
