It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
