my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
