It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
