I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
