Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
