then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
