I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
