I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize