just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
