She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
