i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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