YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
