That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
