Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
