my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
don't judge my taste in strippers
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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