it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
wow bdsm is so cute
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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