you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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