I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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