i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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