Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You've changed since you got that strap on
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
