Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
