Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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