I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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