I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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