I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
