Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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