I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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