Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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