dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
