I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
