all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
