you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
