You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
