sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
